Writing Time

There are so many times I've thought in the last few years, I need to write again. I need to put my ramblings, musings, and thoughts down. 

The last three years my role changed from a classroom teacher to a special education teacher.  With this role change, my time in certain areas decreased  became focused on reading.  I've been reading and working on conferring and small group instruction.

In January, I began working on writing with a few kids in an intervention group.  How I missed walking though the steps of writing and ending with a true piece from the heart.

Today, as I was perusing Facebook I saw an obituary of a wonderful professor who taught me my words are important even if I don't stick to the true and tried system of writing:  thesis statement, detail, detail, detail, concluding statement.  He planted a seed of belief that my stories in my life were important.  Once I became a teacher and began working with Donald Graves and Lucy Calkins' ideas about writing. It truly changed me as a writer.  But, it all began with Jim Wilcox when he let me write from the heart.  Thank you.  

28/31 SOLC

John 13:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

It's really hard these days on Facebook so many people full of hypocrisy by flaunting the Bible in everyone's face. It seems they are forgetting the very essence of Jesus...which is love.  It saddens me that we can't see beyond the need of hell and condemnation to actually show love.  

I hope when people see me or talk to me they see love.  I've been very luck and for the most part have been accepted for who I am flaws and all.  We are all flawed.  Why small minded people are busy pointing out sins when they have their own I will not understand.  My heart aches for the people who hear these things or read these things and then believe that all people think this way. 

We are all human.  We all experience the same emotions.  Yet we are all unique individuals.  We are all flawed. 

I've battled with the idea of perfection and why did I feel the need to be perfect.  It's taken me many, many years to realize that God/Jesus nor my parents were asking me to be perfect.  But the "world" was.  The Christian world I percieved.  The one where you screw up and your burning in hell. You drink or dance and your going to hell in a fuschia colored hand basket. 

I've accepted who I am, flaws and all, so shouldn't I accept others?  Emitting love isn't something that is easy. Some people are difficult to love, but the fact is this is the one thing Jesus asked us to.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER for this is how HE knows you are his.  Is the Judeo-Christian world embracing this? 

I can't control them. I can only control my heart and what I choose to say and do each day.  I know for me not being loved or recieving love would be devastating.  So I choose to give it.  Put away your condemnation. Put away your hate.  Leave your bigotry behind.  Choose to love one another.  It's very simple, but I have a secret...you have to love yourself first.  (But that's another blog post :-))

27/31 Marriage Equality

With everything that has been of facebook I wanted to address why I believe people should allowed to marry who they want.

For many years, our government has believed in separation of Church and State.  Therefore, this is not a God/Bible related issue.

People are people.  Some of us love boys, some of us love girls.  We don't choose whom we love. Our hearts are created a certain way.  We fall in love with the person that fulfills our heart desires.

End of Discussion.

For those of you who want to make it a God issue. Shame on you.  The Jesus I know loves everyone.  According to the Bible, I've sinned and can never remarry because I divorced my husband. Well, guess what...that rule some how no longer applies because people do this ALL the time. Some Christians like to pick and choose which laws/rules of the Bible they want to live by.  I'm choosing to live by what my heart feels is right.  I would never say to the people I love that are gay you don't have the right to marry. They do.

So you need to decide if you want to be on the side of people who hate and discriminate?  Fine. But do it away from me.  You won't change my mind.  So let it go. 

It's a Creepin'

35. Wow! In the words of my BFF's hubby I am half way to 70. Excellent!

Five years ago when I turned the big 30 I was facing raising two little ones as a single mom and found myself in a place that I never thought I'd be. So the question I have really begun to ask myself is where do I go from here?

The last five years have brought about lots of change: a divorce, a new job, and new people in my life.  So, really doesn't 35 sound pretty good?

I am in a good place.  I am surrounded by people who care for me.  I am jumping each chance I get.  (Jump is my one little word to live by for 2013) So really what do I have to fear?  Fear cannot control a person indefinitely.  We need to refuse to allow it to control our decisions.  I refuse to allow it in my life. PERIOD!

When I look at the first month of 2013 and I see what wonderful things have happened, I really can't say that 35 is creeping up on my like my wrinkles.  35 has knocked me over and said, "It is time to live your life."  So....

Season of Surprise

The holiday season is over. The tree is put away.  Lights dimmed.  Now the wonderful bleakness of January has arrived.   But, this year is different.  I didn't want to put the tree away.  Winter Break was full of surprises. Pleasant, heart warming surprises.

I think the best thing about life is when it surprises you.  These surprises are like a kiss on a forehead...endearing and heartfelt.

As January has begun full swing I am not dreading the coldness and dreariness, but welcoming the sun warming surprises.

Songs Through My Life

I have often said that my life would be so much easier if everyone realized it was a musical. In high school I loved the oldies and Phantom of the Oprah and Alternative Rock and last, but certainly not least Alanis Morrissette.

College was filled with fawning and following what I thought were my dreams, but only turned out to be doing what I thought was the dutiful thing to do when you got married...you know "I love him, I love him, I love him and where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow."

Then my musical hit my late 20's and turned into soft lullabies at the birth of my children. "Summertime and the livin' is easy, the fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high." 

The jarring realization as the 30s hit really turned into a hodge podge of music.  Because at the same time that my world turned upside down, a wonderful show called Glee entered my life and introduced me to the great thing called a "mash up."

The Playlist of my 30s.

* Defying Gravity
*Maybe This Time
*Mash up of Rolling In the Deep/Somebody to Love
*Mash up of Set Fire to the Rain/Girl on Fire

So when trying to explain how I feel right now at this exact moment in my life I would have to say it's another mash up of Happy/The Way I Am.

I am getting ready to celebrate the 10th anniversary of turning 25 in a few weeks and I am so glad that my playlist today says that I am content in who I am.  It says that I am ready to take risks.  I am thrilled that I am no longer at the place I was 5 years ago when all I wanted was for my bed to swallow me up so I wouldn't have to think about what happened to my family. My playlist or really my life is a happy one.  

My musical has new characters in it; except this time the characters add to it.  It's fun to wake up each day and think, "Wow, how did I get this lucky?"

Be OK Today

So in July, I posted about being broken and how life turns you into this crazy mosaic of pieces that we gently cement back together through time.

Today as I was reflecting on a few things,  I discovered that maybe I just need to Be Ok.  Ingrid Michaelson sings a song by this title.   When I  was introduced to this song I focused on the line about giving back the broken parts.  I realized  that really that isn't me anymore.  I am past that.  Thank goodness... I just want to "be ok, feel something today, and I {really do}know that I will be okay"

My OLW is jump, I want to jump out of my box.  I don't want to be stuck.  I'm sick and tired of my own excuses of staying in the same spot.

Being broken is  my past.  I don't expect life to be perfect because frankly there is no such thing as perfect.  But,  have been given a beautiful life.  I am here for now.  Each day that I am given should be lived. And everything will truly be okay. I just need to quit over thinking things and just live today for today.

Reacting Vs. Responding

It's been one week.

Seven days.

It's amazing how our lives can change in a millisecond.  In this case the firing of a bullet.  The massacre of innocents. 

We all watched the images.  We all saw the names on the screen with their ages.  Tears falling down our faces as we cried for the families and at the same time silently thankful that it isn't our own child. Our child who is safely sleeping in their bed.  Our child who will open their presents next week.  We aren't the ones who will face the unopened package of hot pink cowboy boots.  Yet as our lives have painstakingly gone on so have the blogs, the facebook postings, and the twitter accounts.

For the last few days, I've been pondering the following; we have a choice as a nation.  We can either react to the event or thoughtfully respond.   Some of the reactions I've seen are abolish the second amendment and force teachers to conceal and carry guns on their person in the classroom.  When will our nation learn that at some point we can't operate at the liberal left or the conservative right.  We have to meet the middle.  This is beyond ridiculous. 

I was called a bleeding heart liberal for saying the following, "I do not think the second amendment needs to be abolished.  I do not believe that teachers need to carry guns in the classroom."

If teachers were forced to carry guns...  How will we function with heat holstered on our hip?  My second graders would freak out.  I wouldn't be able to get on the floor or hug my students. What about parents?  How intimidating would it be holding a parent teacher conference when one person has a glock on her? 

As an educator in our safety training they ask us to think and respond to a situation, rather than react.  For example, if the fire alarm is going off you don't automatically exit the building. First, you listen for instructions and go away from the fire.  Right now we are all headed to the fire.  The answer to this is not more guns in schools.  The answer is to think and respond accordingly. 

I encourage you to contact your local congressman and talk to them about responding to this rather then reacting.  It is time to band together as a nation for each other and for the 27 people who died one week ago. 

Let Us Not Forget

Newton, CT.

Twenty children dead.

Stories of heroic teachers who put themselves in danger to protect the students they love with all the fiber of their being.

Every teacher and each parent's fear was realized on Friday.  No words can even begin to touch the pain that I know the community feels. 

I can only hope that from this situation good happens. I hope discussions about mental illness and why a family needs so many weapons.  I can only hope that out of the deaths of these beautiful children our government chooses to come together to fix what is wrong.

Their deaths are tragic.  Needless.  I can only hope their voices continue to demand that change occur. 

Now it is our turn to demand it.  Let their 27 voices echo in our hearts so that change happens.  Don't just forget.  We can't let that happen. 

Crazy Thing Called Love

What is love exactly?  With the divorce rate the way it is...me being one of those statistics.  What is love?  Does it exist?  Where do you find it...exactly?

In college I was told, "Honey, you are the type of girls men marry...not the kind they date."  Hmmm...okay?  So where does that leave me now as a 34 year old single woman who is almost 35. Sigh.   I guess in neither column?

The men out there that are datable fall into the following categories.

1)  We should get married!!

My second date after being single was with Mr. Let's Get Married Now.  We went to a local restaurant...full of life!  After our queso arrived, he looked at me with all seriousness and says, "Lynnelle, I honestly believe we are meant to get married.  My ex-wife's name was Lynnette and you are Lynnelle.  I mean how can that be wrong?"

Was he serious?  I suddenly had an urgent call from the babysitter and needed to leave.

2)  18 Shots in Less Than Hour

My date with this man started with, "How old are you 12?"  Okay, I may use make up, exfoliant, and moisturizer, but really?  He then commenced to drink 18 shots of jaiger in less than hour.  Good bye, Mr. Alcoholic.

3)  The Player

You know this guy.  The HOTT, tall dark, and handsome kind.  The kind who woo you with words and their intelligence.  Only to say see ya when you tell them you like them.  Not that you want to get married or get serious, but just that you think they are funny, cute, and can carry on an intelligent conversation.

So where does that leave a single girl?

Alone, but happy that I'm not stuck with one of these three losers...umm people. 

Changes

My blog used to be a place that I frequently used to discuss what was happening in my world as a teacher, but now it seems I mostly use it to write.  Not sure if I should change the name or not, but I know that I want to continue writing because it does a body good. I may post some on teaching, but hopefully, you won't mind if I use it more to discuss my ponderings through this crazy thing called LIFE.

Giving Thanks

My List of Thanks

thankful that I still believe dreams come true
and all it takes is to jump, believe, and trust.

thankful for two girls who make my life crazy,
fun, and filled with laughter.

thankful that I look into 22 pairs of eyes each day
and know that they need me and I need them.

thanks to the mom who taught me that being me
is a great thing.

full of thanks for an aunt that checks on me, loves me
for me, and always knows when I need just a little
something extra.

thankful that I listen to my heart more than my brain.

thankful that I can see life through eyes
that are filled with happiness.

thankful for new friends and old friends and my best friend.

thankful for the ability to laugh at myself

thankful that I've had another year to live my life
filled with love, laughter, and luck!

A Better Day

Wrapping up conferences and spending the weekend with the people I love the most helped me to realize that even though I am still yet single...my life is perfect the way it is.  I have fabulous girls that are meeting their goals and pushing forward with their life.  I hope they see me for who I am; the one who loves them and wants only the best and is willing to sacrifice what ever it takes to ensure that they have everything they need.

Fall arrived full force today bringing rains and COLD weather...however yesterday I was able to capture day in the sun.

I am so glad that I didn't choose to allow fear to consume me and not try it on my own.  I am relieved that I have friends and family who stand by me each day.  I will not allow others to make me feel inferior.  I am happy.

Fenced in Friendship

Oh to have the innocence of a child when it comes to friendship. Gracie and her Mister Friend next door haven't let a fence stop them from becoming fast friends. They play every afternoon throwing the ball or chasing the dog or seeing who is the fastest runner.

This made me think of my own life how friends come and go. How connections you think are real....really aren't.

I'm a very trusting person and will give people the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to be doormat.

Since we are all adults why can't a person say, "You know...I thought we were going to be friends, but I can't really stand being around you." Does the honesty sting a little of course, but it sure beats the angst of wondering what did I do? What did I say? What can I do to make you respond to me?

Let's face it our society is all about what can you do for me. And truly if that's why you want to be my friend then you need to go elsewhere. Because baby, I'm worth it. I stick by friends and support them. I love then with all my being. If that isn't what friendship is to you...then adios.

The Arrival of a New Season

Fall isn't a time that I would normally say is a time of rejuvenation.  In fact this fall I would say is a reprieve.  A reprieve from the heat at last and a reprieve from feelings. 

I am someone who things she is too busy to feel, to love, to venture out.  I play it safe.  Or at least I did.

Summer is a blissful time. My summer was spent fulfilling dreams. Realizing there are more dreams in my heart that need to be cultivated.  Dreams are just that dreams.  Reality hits with the arrival fall.  Well, maybe I should say life arrived and reminded me that dreams are what our heart hangs onto to get through the dailies of life.  As an adult who is almost 35 I am realizing my life is half over with things undiscovered;  I want to find a balance of reality and my dreams.

 My decisions as a young adult were done in what I thought was surrounded in love.  My decisions as a middle-aged (OMG,  how I hate that word) adult can't be based on what ifs or regrets.  The facts are I am an adult with 2 little ones that miss their mommy after one day away.  So my dreams too are going to hibernate because the facts are my life isn't about me.  I can't make my dreams happen alone.  I am not going to apologize for who I am anymore.  I've done that for far too long.

i am a girl who gives her heart away to easily
i am a girl who feels so deeply that her whole body aches
i can't change who i am
someone already tried
accept me for who i am

i am a giggly girl
i am passionate
i won't change who i am
because there is nothing wrong
with who  i am

i am daring
i won't hide anymore
Fall is here.  

Time and Tenderness

As a grade level we believe it is important that students be independent.  Really isn't that one of the tenants of teacher?  We want our students to work effectively at a rate so that they are prepared to keep up with the stamina of the next grade.

This week one of my students reminded that with expectation of independence we also expect proficiency.  Students work at different rates.  This is a fact.  I sat the young person down to explain that the speed at which we finish tasks doesn't mean that the work is 100%.  We need to do our best on our work, not complete work at an exponential rate.

The look on the young person's face was priceless.  The anxiety lifted and work resumed.  Teachers, I implore you to remember the practices we use in the classroom may need accommodations in the classroom. Don't expect all the students to be the same because as luck would have it we are all uniquely different and gifted in our own areas.

The Very Thought of You

Today is a day that many of us will never forget. We know exactly where we were eleven years ago when we heard the news of the Twin Towers being attacked.

I was a young teacher headed to environmental camp with 300 sixth graders. It would be two days before I saw the first pictures or heard the broadcasts of what happened.

Now, eleven years later and a few months after a trip to NYC. My heart grieves as all Americans do, however, I know that New Yorkers are devoted to their city. Filled with pride, as well they should be...because this Oklahoman fell in love with the sights and culture and color that decorates the streets.

My heart is with all of you tonight as you spend tonight remembering. I know you always remember that horrific day, but you didn't allow it to take hold of you...Beautiful NYC. You survived a moment that many cities could not which is probably why so many people love NYC. She burns with such passion that she ignites it from the deepest depths of our souls. We have no choice but to heed her impulse. Her desire. Her survival.

What I've Always Imagined

When Emma was born I had to adjust my dreams for her.  I still have dreams and goals for her.  They are just different now.  She had a great first day of 3rd grade!  What I love is I heard from one of her teachers that she had a wonderful day!  She saw her favorite paras and friends!!  To me that is a perfect day in 3rd grade.

One of things in life I never expected was to hear that my youngest child had language delays.  I mean this can't happen twice can it?  Instead of sweeping them under the rug. I asked for help.  Found a private school that would be able to meet her needs. Hired a speech pathologist for the summer.

 Today was astounding.  I heard about the book that was read by her teacher.  The beginning, middle, and the end.  This is the first time EVER Grace has talked about real reading at school.  I am so happy. My child received a happy face.  This mommy has a huge happy face.  SUCCESS!!! Grace was zipping around the house. Skipping and singing about loving Miss Ward and school. I wanted to weep for joy.  This is what school should be like for kids. 

This is where I want to get on my soapbox.  As constituents we need to contact our State Legislatures and let them know how class size effects how children perceive themselves and their teacher.  This has just been one day.  One day in a class that has a reduced size and my child already feels the difference.  The Dentist Baressi can't expect teachers to perform miracles in the classroom.  She needs to fund the schools at the level that is expected.  Allow the professionals to do their jobs with the money they need.  Ms. Baressi is receiving her money...allow the schools to receive theirs.

TIred of Broken

A few weeks ago Single Dad Laughing posted this poem, "I'm Broken," Says She.  As a single mom and on my fifth year as a divorcee it spoke to me.  In fact, so much so that it inspired me to really reflect at how I've chosen to live my life the last years since my divorce.

I've tried a few times to get out and "date" so to speak, but most of them have been disasters.  So it was just easier to throw myself into my work and motherhood.  It essentially protected me.  Until it didn't.  It left me lonely, alone, and abandoned.

For years, I was told I was the problem and even after two years of therapy I guess my heart still believed it.  Even with a bestie who tells me I'm fabulous which is obviously her job...I still saw myself as damaged goods...broken.

When I read Dan's poem I was shocked at how I identified with Dan's girlfriend.  The unworthiness of being loved.  Then  I read how Dan saw her. I had someone tell me once that I had strength and that I was beautiful. When I heard him say it. I actually believed it this time.  The question I have to ask myself is do I believe I have the strength or do I just want to continue to be broken?

The answer I have found is a definitive NO.  Broken is no way to live.  Broken leaves you scared.  Broken leaves you lonely. Broken leaves you shattered in pieces with no hope of being put back together.

I believe that sometimes life sucks.  We can choose each day if we want to live a broken life or a life with the pieces cemented back together.  The problem with that is that every once in while the pieces have to be put back.  Once you're broken you are never the same.  But, you  must decide to put the pieces back together. You can either recreate yourself  with a new job or a move or a new lover, but you aren't the same any more.

Now, as I begin this part of my journey. I'm thinking about the future and what risks I need to take. I know that one of those is in my dating life.  I have other risks to take too in my professional life, but those are to come later and we shall see what happens.

If you are broken, I encourage you  to choose to live a life that is cemented back together.  It's truly worth it. A beautiful mosaic of life will occur.

Rejuvenation

Last week I began my summer camps. I was looking forward to working with some future second graders and in the afternoon the young poets. I still have been reflecting on my time in NYC at Teacher's College.  Trying to put it all in perspective.  When I uttered something to a friend, "I just want someone in my corner." His smart reply was, "You're in your corner. You don't need anyone else."  His retort wasn't what I expected.  It shocked me. It literally made me stop in my tracks with my thinking.

Here I had arrived back from this wonderful trip from NYC that was supposed to be soul rejuvenating, but left me feeling as if a piece of my soul is missing.  I can't seem to get my groove back.  So, I was really hoping that going back to a semi-quasi routine would help.

Routines are just that a routine.  Seeing my young poets grow each day was wondrous.  By the end of the week, reading their work was pure joy. 

Then when my friend uttered those words it hit me.  I'm in my corner. I decide when I get out of my post NYC funkilicious issues.  I decide. I decided what happens next. I decide. Not anyone else.  It's not like I didn't know that, but to here the bluntness of it.  The underlining stop trying to please others and do something for yourself was also there.  I decide.  So I decided.

Tulsa is not NYC. It never will be.  But pining for a city thousands of miles away is only going to make the soul lonely.  I could choose to pine away and forget the rejuvenation or choose to use the muse it was and let my soul fly.

I'm in my corner.  Use the things I miss the languages, the culture, the colors and let it be My Muse, feed my soul.  I'm in my corner is now what echoes when I begin to feel as if I can't take it another minute.  I'm in my corner.  The reminder.

My Muse was fed and she was rewarded.
 

The Farm

A new born chick is born!

Peep, Peep

Stacks of hay

Horses, cows, ducks, 

Nay! Moo! Quack!

The smell of bacon

The taste of eggs (fried).

On the ground

Watch out the babies are here!

By: Third Grade Young Poet