Ch-ch-ch-changes

I always go silent on my blog when there are changes in my life.  Summer ends for me very soon, as I begin my new chapter in my teaching life.   I am proud to say that my dream has come true.  After nine years of wanting to be a teacher in the field of education, I finally earned a job in the area!!  I'm so excited to work with these new teachers and district!!

Letting Go

time to put you away
one day
magical

what i want is to feel
feel loved
to be passionate about
someone

but not you.
you chose her.
not me.
 

29/31 SOLC

It seems my life and the emotions and heartache and love can always be expressed by some musician or lyricist.  It's not usually something that I write...I keep it all bottled up so no one can see it or hear it or read it.  It's not interesting, but I've successfully avoided it for 29 days.

the one

he lied
i gave all i had for years
he lied
and revealed
my life was a lie
no love
never loved
world is turned
topsy
turvy
all
because
he lied.

slowly
piece
by piece
put back
gently.
be careful
don't look to
closely
 you will see
the ridges
the wounds that
are still on the surface.

be gentle
be careful
for she lies
she says she's fine
she says she doesn't
believe
she says she cares for
no one
but she lies.

she lies
because of fear
she lies because
the pieces won't
make it through
another break.
 she lies because
she's guarding
she doesn't want
him to see.

You know
the one.
The one that stared
into her eyes and saw
her.
flawed
broken
and still said
he saw beauty.
he said he saw
strength.
his kiss
burning on
her lips.
his words echoing
in her ears.
you know this one.
the one she believed
but shouldn't have.

for you see
this girl
she pretends
to be strong
she pretends that
she doesn't need love
but she lies.

her heart yearns
for it
her heart doesn't
want to be unloved
we weren't created
to walk by ourselves.
we were created
to love.

but her heart
when put back
together only aches now
for she never
thought it would be alone.
there was no one by
her side to comfort her
her soul was mourning and
she was alone
no arm of comfort
no kiss on the forehead
or words "it will be better
tomorrow"

her soul
cries
her soul
doesn't lie
she just needs
the one.

28/31 SOLC

John 13:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

It's really hard these days on Facebook so many people full of hypocrisy by flaunting the Bible in everyone's face. It seems they are forgetting the very essence of Jesus...which is love.  It saddens me that we can't see beyond the need of hell and condemnation to actually show love.  

I hope when people see me or talk to me they see love.  I've been very luck and for the most part have been accepted for who I am flaws and all.  We are all flawed.  Why small minded people are busy pointing out sins when they have their own I will not understand.  My heart aches for the people who hear these things or read these things and then believe that all people think this way. 

We are all human.  We all experience the same emotions.  Yet we are all unique individuals.  We are all flawed. 

I've battled with the idea of perfection and why did I feel the need to be perfect.  It's taken me many, many years to realize that God/Jesus nor my parents were asking me to be perfect.  But the "world" was.  The Christian world I percieved.  The one where you screw up and your burning in hell. You drink or dance and your going to hell in a fuschia colored hand basket. 

I've accepted who I am, flaws and all, so shouldn't I accept others?  Emitting love isn't something that is easy. Some people are difficult to love, but the fact is this is the one thing Jesus asked us to.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER for this is how HE knows you are his.  Is the Judeo-Christian world embracing this? 

I can't control them. I can only control my heart and what I choose to say and do each day.  I know for me not being loved or recieving love would be devastating.  So I choose to give it.  Put away your condemnation. Put away your hate.  Leave your bigotry behind.  Choose to love one another.  It's very simple, but I have a secret...you have to love yourself first.  (But that's another blog post :-))

27/31 Marriage Equality

With everything that has been of facebook I wanted to address why I believe people should allowed to marry who they want.

For many years, our government has believed in separation of Church and State.  Therefore, this is not a God/Bible related issue.

People are people.  Some of us love boys, some of us love girls.  We don't choose whom we love. Our hearts are created a certain way.  We fall in love with the person that fulfills our heart desires.

End of Discussion.

For those of you who want to make it a God issue. Shame on you.  The Jesus I know loves everyone.  According to the Bible, I've sinned and can never remarry because I divorced my husband. Well, guess what...that rule some how no longer applies because people do this ALL the time. Some Christians like to pick and choose which laws/rules of the Bible they want to live by.  I'm choosing to live by what my heart feels is right.  I would never say to the people I love that are gay you don't have the right to marry. They do.

So you need to decide if you want to be on the side of people who hate and discriminate?  Fine. But do it away from me.  You won't change my mind.  So let it go. 

25/31 SOLC Routine

Back into our old routine,
break is over,
less than seventy days until summer.

We can make it!

24/31

Going to Target is always fun with my entourage. As I was looking for a new wallet I hear Grace gasp, "I'm a Dora girl!!" I'm afraid I just assumed she was talking about the Nick character. "Really? I thought you were more princess or Barbie," I reply without looking at her.

She sighs reallllllllyyyyy big. I turn and my goose is wearing a hello kitty fedora. Last week I told her I thought she and I were fedora girls. She can pull off a fedora.

23/31 Saying Good-Bye is Never Easy

I have a confession. I'm not good at losing loved ones. Watching them leave this place and onto the next. I feel myself curling up into the fetal position in my heart. As I sit by the bed and watch. My heart breaks. Millions of pieces shatter. I've watched this happen too many times. I know that with life comes death. But with death comes loss and pain. When I look at you I can here your voice,"Hey, Doll!" Except, you can't say those words anymore. Which makes my heart yearn to hear it. I love you. You made me feel like the most special niece in the world. I'm going to miss you. I miss you already. May the angels wrap you in their arms as you leave our world into the next.

22/31

I can remember learning to read at the kitchen table. Working so hard on the letters and the sounds and making sense of the Sentences and paragraphs. But, when it all clicked it opened up a world of the unknown.

Now, as I sit and watch Grace learning her Pre-reading skills. And how it's clicking I'm getting so excited for her. I can't wait to introduce her to all my favorites. And instead of me reading them...her reading them to me.

She is such a hard worker learning how to overcome her learning issues. I'm so proud of my baby. She's a fighter.

21/31

Today is 3/21, World Down syndrome day. I love my little E, but Down syndrome is just a small piece of our life. We don't let it define us. My dream is that one day all people will accept others. I mean really who could resist a smile, a hug, or a kiss from my sweetie?

20/31 SOLC THOUGHTS IN THE NIGHT

I hate those nights. The nights that overwhelm the soul. It weeps. There is no numbing the pain; no painkiller or drink strong enough. For it's the realization that I'm in this alone. I weep for the stupid nineteen year old who believed in I love you's. I weep for the momma who wakes everyday thinking this is the day everyone sees her miserable failures. I weep for the broken heart who just wants to be loved. I weep uncontrollable body shattering sobs until the sun comes. For when it rises, I too must rise and be strong and be brave. Though the sun shines on my face, the night rages on inside my mind as I continue to cry silently. Bearing it alone. For I'm not able to receive love or to be loved. I don't know why Venus has doomed me on my journey. Forcing me to take my path alone. At this moment in the night, I would give anything to feel arms around me or hands caressing my face and here the words, "It'll be okay." Instead I reassuringly tell myself these words only for them to fall flatly into the air. Echoing. A reminder that no one's there.

19/31 SOLC

As Grace watched Little Mermaid, it made me think of my own dreams of moving to NYC. I began to think of my own lyrics. I know it seems silly. But maybe I'm just as wistful as Ariel for my dreams to come true. However, I won't go to the sea witch..I just need to apply to Columbia. :-)

Part Of Your World

adapted from
The Little Mermaid


(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that has such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this place,
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think it'd make me complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who should live here
Look at the lights
History untold
How many wonders can one city hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she should live here
I've got dreams and desires a-plenty
I've got fears and what ifs galore
You want reasons?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where my people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - subways

18/31

Well, I guess Spring Break is a blessing because I have a sick kiddo with a double ear infection and sinus infection. So we've spent the day watching movies and playing the Wii. Little sicky Emma didn't want to take silly pics so Grace and I did. But today was still a good day.

17/31 SOLC

Ugh, I had the post written out and deleted the wrong one.  Sigh! 

Today is a blah day.  Yesterday's memories of sunlight beating down on my cheeks.  The smell of cut grass and the sound of children at play outside are just memories because today is cold and misty.

Spring is routinely a time of renewal for me.  I think the reason this spring is so hard is because I had plans to implement my dream this summer.  But I allowed things to get in the way.

Fear of losing my kids.

Fear of leaving loved ones behind.

Fear of failure.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear can't be a part of my life. I have to make the decision to move myself forward professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.  It is my choice. My chance.

It's time to jump and go beyond dreaming to actually "doing" the change.

16/31

84 degrees. Beautiful blue sky and some wind, but not too bad.

"Mommy, let's go take Izzy for a walk," announced Grace.

So we leashed the dog and traipsed out the door.

Grace leads our entourage around the block toward the park. We discover that no one is taking advantage of this day for park playing. Mainly, for mowing purposes.

The girls swing and slide and scream. Izzy lays down to cool off. I watch and listen. A perfect spring day.

15/31

Spring break started tonight. The girls and I were relaxing at home. Little Grace crawled on me and said to take her picture.

So I did. When I looked at it on my phone, I thought to myself this is the only love I need. The love of my children.

14/31

Colors on the pages,
Box of 8
24,
Nope it better be the 64.

Listening to my baby chitter-chatter,
Time spent wisely,
I pray it never ends.

13/31 SOLC

Tulips

The green stalk
peering above the ground
as if it's
playing peek-a-boo.

My soul yearns for the coldness to end.
The stalks leave me waiting
for the sun to warm my pale cheeks.

The flower stalk
G
    R
       O
           W
               S            and
                                                G
                                                    R
                                                        O
                                                            W
                                                                 S.

Revealing a bloom that's as red as blood.
the tender shoot turns
it's happy face to the sun.
Spring has arrived.
                                                   

12/31

There are people in our lives who surround us through the good and bad times.  What I love most about the people I've chosen in mine is that they accept me for who am I.  The good, the bad, and the crazy.

They do things like send sweet texts that let me know that I am loved.  Send pictures that make me laugh.  And go window shopping.

My best friend and I have been through so much since we met at 18.  Seventeen years later we can meet up for fajitas and shop and talk.  All my worries, doubts, and wonderings spill out.  After I have done that we window shop.

What I love most about my friends in my life is they don't make me fit a mold. They let me be me. Friendship love is special.  They chose me.

PS...a little shoe shopping always helps too!!  My new pumps!

11/31

Tonight I learned that my kids can break my heart into millions of pieces. Except I don't know the first step to putting it to back together because my girls are the reason I breathe.

My girls are the reason I divorced their dad. I didn't want them to think that an unhappy family was normal. I didn't want them to think it was okay to stay where a woman was not loved.

Now, I face the fact that my sacrifices. My love isn't enough. I can't compete with a step-mommy and daddy who make a complete family.

It's just me. I'm it. I just wish I was enough. But, reality is kids want a family. A mommy. A daddy. Both. I can't give them that.

10/31

Friendship. It's so important. I have a great core group of friends that I can cry with and laugh with and just be myself with. It took me 18-20 years to find these people.

Emma is so lucky. She has found friends that cherish her for her. I know these are friendships for life.

9/31

Saturdays are lovely. You can make them full of vigor or make them as lazy as you want.

There is something wonderful about stopping and letting your mind unwind.

Refresh for the next week.

Wonderful.

8/31 SOLC

Today during parent/teacher conferences I found myself thinking how lucky am I to be able to come to work each day and think wow working is not a job for me. I love my students, their parents, and my school. I'm so glad that I am a teacher and get to teach the 21 best 2nd graders out there!!!

7/31 SOLC

I've never in all my years of slicing had such a hard time writing each day. It has always been something I've looked forward to doing. I think I'm over thinking things.

Or maybe it's my heart that's tired. It feels as of it has no words to say. Or maybe the words it wants to say shouldn't be said.


It's like it fears the open blank page. I'm worried that all  I'm feeling and thinking will come pouring out. 

Words, thoughts, feelings on the page for everyone to see.  I've never been one to truly censor myself, but that's what I find myself doing.

I need to let go....just let it go.

6/31 SOLC

Eliminating words from our vocabulary.
Being mindful of our words that pass our lips.
Realizing every person has someone in our life that deserves the respect of the world but doesn't.
Change starts with you.
Change starts with me.
Be brave.
Use kind words.
Be bold.
Speak for those who have a small voice.
Be active.
Be the change.

National eliminate the r-word day.

5/31 SOLC

There is nothing more comforting than a hug from a child. I love my job, but I'm sometimes a little tired. Today I got to cuddle and snuggle with my girls. I feel like I'm stealing these moments because soon they won't want them. We blink and they are all grown up.

4/31 SOLC Shine Bright, My Love

My youngest daughter, Grace, takes dance lessons. We were listening to Diamonds by Rhianna and every time the chorus came on Grace would drop to the floor, gently bring her body up raising her arms to the sky at the phrase "shine bright".

Watching her interpret this song makes me wish that she will always shine as brightly as she did in that moment. She is such a warm, sensitive loving girl. I want to protect her heart for as long as I can.

Grace has been experiencing some not so great moments at school with people saying "loser" and "flippy" (no clue what that means).  Teaching a six year old not yell, "You are a sad person with a sad heart...my mommy told me so" is really what we are working on.  Note:  It really was a great example of why people bully, it just backfired. :-) 

My prayer, my heart yearns for the time when no child is destroyed by bullying, mistreatment, or neglect. I can only hope my diamond is truly strong enough not to scratch.

3/31 SOLC

Sometimes my children get up in the middle of the night. Last night,Emma woke up insisting to sleep on the couch at 3AM. I wish I could say I made her go back to room. I just looked at her, smiled, kissed her head and went back to bed. Epic. Mother. Fail. But sometimes a mommy wants to sleep too. By the way, when is it nap time?

You too can participate in the slice of life challenge at twowritingteachers.wordpress.com

2/31 SOLC

March is a month that I absolutely love.  March has wonderful things in it like Spring Break, the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, Spring Break, warm weather, Spring Break, blooming flowers, Spring Break! I think you get the general idea.  But, for me March is about renewal. When I see the flowers spring forth from the earth, I think about the future and what will happen.  I am ready for spring even though February just ended. 

SOLC 1/31 Love is a Verb

We all have fears of acceptance for our children.  Since Emma has Mosaic Down syndrome, I  a have this fear that people will see her extra genes before they actually see Emma.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party and I had a great chance to meet some of Emma's "typical" friends.  My heart was over joyed at the respect, kindness and love that I witnessed.

As we were leaving, Emma began to cry.  Her friend reassured her that she would see her the next day at school. She ended with giving Emma a hug and saying, "I love you."  There is no doubt in my mind that is true.  The kindness was etched on her face.

When I taught in public school, I had a program that allowed typical students to work with students with special needs.  A few weeks ago, I saw one of those typical students at a Special Olympic event. She was still volunteering to help. Wow! I can only hope that this continues for Emma's friends.

Fabulousness at the Bowling Alley

First dates are interesting.  Well, at least I think so.  I'm not really nervous...more excited about what might happen and where it might go.  This first date was at a bowling alley.  I admitted straight up that at a real bowling alley I kinda stunk at bowling. But, who cares.  I arrived at what I thought was the entrance.  I knew he was there, but he still hadn't walked through the front doors.  And I get text, "Are you wearing a red shirt?" I turn around and he's been watching me text my last minute peeps that went along the lines of, "If you don't here from me in two hours call the popo." I immediately laugh and try to crawl out of my embarrassing hole.

It was a little while before we finally got a lane to bowl in so we chatted and then a lane became available.  We were seated next to a family with three girls.  They were adorable little care free bundles of joy to watch and talk to.  He and I were including them in our conversation. Well, actually the 8 year old heard him say,"I really am not trying to beat you at bowling...I don't want you to have to pay for dinner."  I laughed and replied, "Well, I'm much better at Wii bowling...score a strike every time."

Then I hear this little voice ask, "Are you two dating?" I turn and gaze into her chocolate brown eyes and giggle, "Well, actually this is our first date."

"Oh, no wonder you look so fabulous at a bowling alley!!!" she exclaimed.

I burst out laughing while her  horrified mother tried to shush her.  I mean I did have my big Texas hair going on, perfumed up, with full makeup, and jewelry.  I did happen to leave the pumps at home, but regardless if I go on a date with him again.  I will forever know I am FABULOUS because an 8 year old told me so.



If you would like to know more about the Slice of Life Challenge go to http://twowritingteachers.com.  On March 1, 2013 they will begin a month long challenge. 

Read, Read, Read!

The Truth

The truth seems to catch people off guard.  It surprises me still when people choose to lie.  When people choose to say hurtful things that serve no other purpose than to wound.

I think what truly amazes me the most that even after all our years in the journey called life some adults still expect perfection.  The will say "we are all a work in progress,"  but when life gets dirty messy, and dramatic.  When one decides to say ok I will put the walls down they make a demand: Perfection. 

Perfection what a silly word to apply to people becuase to be honest....we all like to watch the hot mess of life.  We like to solve through the problems 

So what is the truth about me? I am a hot mess!!  I am in love with 21 second graders who remind me each day that life is wonderful, amazing, and beautiful.  I am a crazy woman in a blended family who really likes her ex's new wife.   I am the perfectionist trying to show her six year old that mistakes happen and we survive.  I am NOT perfect!  I am a so glad I am the stinkin' hott mess that I am...because let's face it...it's not boring and usually filled with laughter.

Work In Progress

As a teacher I understand that the little people I am blessed to have in my classroom each day are not perfect.  I do not expect them to be perfect.  I start my year making sure that my kids know that I am not Mary Poppins, nor do I demand that everything that they do be correct/perfect.  We learn from our mistakes.

I've been called on the carpet for not allowing my own imperfections and flaws to just be out in the open.  And SHOCKER, to accept them.  I don't know why  I am so hard on myself.  I always have been from the time I was teeny.

In my freshman year of college after working every Tuesday and Thursday afternoons with a prof on my assignments I still only pulled a C instead of my usual A or B, I called my mom distraught. I just knew my parents were going to be mad.  I was amazed when my mother said, "Did you try and do your best?" My reply was a resounding, "YES!"  At that moment it HIT me. That's all anyone asks.

But somewhere between what I know and what I preach my brain says, "Yes, but this doesn't apply to you." And really this is when you have to CHOOSE to STOP saying these things.

Then I heard we are all really just a work in progress. Oh. Em. Gee.  This is amazing.  I swear I've felt like I've been in the audience of an Oprah show and witnessed an AHHH, HAAA  moment.

When I look into my little girls' eyes I do not expect them to be perfect.  In fact it's the exact opposite.  I don't mind their mistakes because I know they are learning.   But aren't I learning about life also?  I may be ahem...35, but I do not have life figured out.  Making mistakes happens. Perfection is not demanded by anyone in my circle.  Therefore, letting go and just being is what I need to do I WILL DO!!!

It's a Creepin'

35. Wow! In the words of my BFF's hubby I am half way to 70. Excellent!

Five years ago when I turned the big 30 I was facing raising two little ones as a single mom and found myself in a place that I never thought I'd be. So the question I have really begun to ask myself is where do I go from here?

The last five years have brought about lots of change: a divorce, a new job, and new people in my life.  So, really doesn't 35 sound pretty good?

I am in a good place.  I am surrounded by people who care for me.  I am jumping each chance I get.  (Jump is my one little word to live by for 2013) So really what do I have to fear?  Fear cannot control a person indefinitely.  We need to refuse to allow it to control our decisions.  I refuse to allow it in my life. PERIOD!

When I look at the first month of 2013 and I see what wonderful things have happened, I really can't say that 35 is creeping up on my like my wrinkles.  35 has knocked me over and said, "It is time to live your life."  So....

IQ is Just Another Number

Being an educator I know that Emma turning nine is a big deal in the school's eyes.  She no longer becomes "developmentally delayed," but an actual category or label now.  Now, every time someone picks up her IEP they will first read her IQ score. 

I had emailed the school to please send me the results before the meeting so that when I saw the numbers it woldn't be the first time.  They graciously allowed me the time to process this information. I thought I would crumble into a fine pillar of dust when I heard the news, but I didn't.  When Emma was born the one thing I wanted was for her not to have the category she is going to recieve, but to have other health impairment.  I thought this would be the worst thing for her.  It isn't.  The worst for her would be if I saw her as a number, and I don't. 

I understand that it is just a number.  But, I also know that to some people it isn't.  For some people it will be a reminder of all the things she can't do.  However, I choose to see these things.

• A little girl who has worked so very hard to overcome the simple things we take for granted like learning to talk, walk, and read.
• A child who belly laughs so hard that she gives her self the hiccups and we all tumble into a heap of laughter.
• A precious girl who never, ever gives up.  She tries again. And again. And again.
• My daughter is strong and I would like to think she gets it from me, from my example, but I draw on her strength each day.  I watch her persevere and I think if Little E can do it, so can I.
• She has a sense of humor that invloves playing jokes, albeit, not always at the right time, but funny, nonetheless.
• A darling, caring heart that hurts for others when they are hurt, that says, "I'm sorry" when she's wrong, and hugs those who are experiencing pain.

These things have nothing to do with the magic number that has deemed her "less."  As human beings we should never categorize or label those that are different.  She is not less.  She is not different.  She is a girl who's life isn't passing me by.  She is a girl who loves so deeply that I can only hope that my love repays what she gives.  She is a girl who will one day live on her own, have a job,  and hopefully find love. 

But she is not a number.

She is my daughter.

Little E.

Past my Past

Fears set aside
revealing healed scars.

Threatening to flare up and become
tender at the thought
of trying again.

It must stop.
My past cannot define my future
I do believe.

Fears abating
I've let go.

Season of Surprise

The holiday season is over. The tree is put away.  Lights dimmed.  Now the wonderful bleakness of January has arrived.   But, this year is different.  I didn't want to put the tree away.  Winter Break was full of surprises. Pleasant, heart warming surprises.

I think the best thing about life is when it surprises you.  These surprises are like a kiss on a forehead...endearing and heartfelt.

As January has begun full swing I am not dreading the coldness and dreariness, but welcoming the sun warming surprises.

It's Here...well for Pre-Purchase...

I know I'm a geek...I realize that I am hopelessly in love with the Units of Study by Teacher's College, but the new books are available for pre-purchase!!  I am so excited!!! Take a look!!

Units of Study for 2nd

Songs Through My Life

I have often said that my life would be so much easier if everyone realized it was a musical. In high school I loved the oldies and Phantom of the Oprah and Alternative Rock and last, but certainly not least Alanis Morrissette.

College was filled with fawning and following what I thought were my dreams, but only turned out to be doing what I thought was the dutiful thing to do when you got married...you know "I love him, I love him, I love him and where he goes I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow."

Then my musical hit my late 20's and turned into soft lullabies at the birth of my children. "Summertime and the livin' is easy, the fish are jumpin' and the cotton is high." 

The jarring realization as the 30s hit really turned into a hodge podge of music.  Because at the same time that my world turned upside down, a wonderful show called Glee entered my life and introduced me to the great thing called a "mash up."

The Playlist of my 30s.

* Defying Gravity
*Maybe This Time
*Mash up of Rolling In the Deep/Somebody to Love
*Mash up of Set Fire to the Rain/Girl on Fire

So when trying to explain how I feel right now at this exact moment in my life I would have to say it's another mash up of Happy/The Way I Am.

I am getting ready to celebrate the 10th anniversary of turning 25 in a few weeks and I am so glad that my playlist today says that I am content in who I am.  It says that I am ready to take risks.  I am thrilled that I am no longer at the place I was 5 years ago when all I wanted was for my bed to swallow me up so I wouldn't have to think about what happened to my family. My playlist or really my life is a happy one.  

My musical has new characters in it; except this time the characters add to it.  It's fun to wake up each day and think, "Wow, how did I get this lucky?"

Fairytales

My students and I have begun our fairy tale unit.  Today we brainstormed a list of nursery rhyme characters, fairytale characters, and setting.  They came up with a HUGE list.  I was so proud of them. 

Our next step will be to begin the rough draft.  I've attached the two graphic organizers I am offering for the students.  Students will have a choice between writing a fractured fairytale and an origninal fairytale. 
Fractured Organizer

Original Organizer