29/31 SOLC

It seems my life and the emotions and heartache and love can always be expressed by some musician or lyricist.  It's not usually something that I write...I keep it all bottled up so no one can see it or hear it or read it.  It's not interesting, but I've successfully avoided it for 29 days.

the one

he lied
i gave all i had for years
he lied
and revealed
my life was a lie
no love
never loved
world is turned
topsy
turvy
all
because
he lied.

slowly
piece
by piece
put back
gently.
be careful
don't look to
closely
 you will see
the ridges
the wounds that
are still on the surface.

be gentle
be careful
for she lies
she says she's fine
she says she doesn't
believe
she says she cares for
no one
but she lies.

she lies
because of fear
she lies because
the pieces won't
make it through
another break.
 she lies because
she's guarding
she doesn't want
him to see.

You know
the one.
The one that stared
into her eyes and saw
her.
flawed
broken
and still said
he saw beauty.
he said he saw
strength.
his kiss
burning on
her lips.
his words echoing
in her ears.
you know this one.
the one she believed
but shouldn't have.

for you see
this girl
she pretends
to be strong
she pretends that
she doesn't need love
but she lies.

her heart yearns
for it
her heart doesn't
want to be unloved
we weren't created
to walk by ourselves.
we were created
to love.

but her heart
when put back
together only aches now
for she never
thought it would be alone.
there was no one by
her side to comfort her
her soul was mourning and
she was alone
no arm of comfort
no kiss on the forehead
or words "it will be better
tomorrow"

her soul
cries
her soul
doesn't lie
she just needs
the one.

28/31 SOLC

John 13:34-35

New International Version (NIV)

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

It's really hard these days on Facebook so many people full of hypocrisy by flaunting the Bible in everyone's face. It seems they are forgetting the very essence of Jesus...which is love.  It saddens me that we can't see beyond the need of hell and condemnation to actually show love.  

I hope when people see me or talk to me they see love.  I've been very luck and for the most part have been accepted for who I am flaws and all.  We are all flawed.  Why small minded people are busy pointing out sins when they have their own I will not understand.  My heart aches for the people who hear these things or read these things and then believe that all people think this way. 

We are all human.  We all experience the same emotions.  Yet we are all unique individuals.  We are all flawed. 

I've battled with the idea of perfection and why did I feel the need to be perfect.  It's taken me many, many years to realize that God/Jesus nor my parents were asking me to be perfect.  But the "world" was.  The Christian world I percieved.  The one where you screw up and your burning in hell. You drink or dance and your going to hell in a fuschia colored hand basket. 

I've accepted who I am, flaws and all, so shouldn't I accept others?  Emitting love isn't something that is easy. Some people are difficult to love, but the fact is this is the one thing Jesus asked us to.  LOVE ONE ANOTHER for this is how HE knows you are his.  Is the Judeo-Christian world embracing this? 

I can't control them. I can only control my heart and what I choose to say and do each day.  I know for me not being loved or recieving love would be devastating.  So I choose to give it.  Put away your condemnation. Put away your hate.  Leave your bigotry behind.  Choose to love one another.  It's very simple, but I have a secret...you have to love yourself first.  (But that's another blog post :-))

27/31 Marriage Equality

With everything that has been of facebook I wanted to address why I believe people should allowed to marry who they want.

For many years, our government has believed in separation of Church and State.  Therefore, this is not a God/Bible related issue.

People are people.  Some of us love boys, some of us love girls.  We don't choose whom we love. Our hearts are created a certain way.  We fall in love with the person that fulfills our heart desires.

End of Discussion.

For those of you who want to make it a God issue. Shame on you.  The Jesus I know loves everyone.  According to the Bible, I've sinned and can never remarry because I divorced my husband. Well, guess what...that rule some how no longer applies because people do this ALL the time. Some Christians like to pick and choose which laws/rules of the Bible they want to live by.  I'm choosing to live by what my heart feels is right.  I would never say to the people I love that are gay you don't have the right to marry. They do.

So you need to decide if you want to be on the side of people who hate and discriminate?  Fine. But do it away from me.  You won't change my mind.  So let it go. 

25/31 SOLC Routine

Back into our old routine,
break is over,
less than seventy days until summer.

We can make it!

24/31

Going to Target is always fun with my entourage. As I was looking for a new wallet I hear Grace gasp, "I'm a Dora girl!!" I'm afraid I just assumed she was talking about the Nick character. "Really? I thought you were more princess or Barbie," I reply without looking at her.

She sighs reallllllllyyyyy big. I turn and my goose is wearing a hello kitty fedora. Last week I told her I thought she and I were fedora girls. She can pull off a fedora.

23/31 Saying Good-Bye is Never Easy

I have a confession. I'm not good at losing loved ones. Watching them leave this place and onto the next. I feel myself curling up into the fetal position in my heart. As I sit by the bed and watch. My heart breaks. Millions of pieces shatter. I've watched this happen too many times. I know that with life comes death. But with death comes loss and pain. When I look at you I can here your voice,"Hey, Doll!" Except, you can't say those words anymore. Which makes my heart yearn to hear it. I love you. You made me feel like the most special niece in the world. I'm going to miss you. I miss you already. May the angels wrap you in their arms as you leave our world into the next.

22/31

I can remember learning to read at the kitchen table. Working so hard on the letters and the sounds and making sense of the Sentences and paragraphs. But, when it all clicked it opened up a world of the unknown.

Now, as I sit and watch Grace learning her Pre-reading skills. And how it's clicking I'm getting so excited for her. I can't wait to introduce her to all my favorites. And instead of me reading them...her reading them to me.

She is such a hard worker learning how to overcome her learning issues. I'm so proud of my baby. She's a fighter.

21/31

Today is 3/21, World Down syndrome day. I love my little E, but Down syndrome is just a small piece of our life. We don't let it define us. My dream is that one day all people will accept others. I mean really who could resist a smile, a hug, or a kiss from my sweetie?

20/31 SOLC THOUGHTS IN THE NIGHT

I hate those nights. The nights that overwhelm the soul. It weeps. There is no numbing the pain; no painkiller or drink strong enough. For it's the realization that I'm in this alone. I weep for the stupid nineteen year old who believed in I love you's. I weep for the momma who wakes everyday thinking this is the day everyone sees her miserable failures. I weep for the broken heart who just wants to be loved. I weep uncontrollable body shattering sobs until the sun comes. For when it rises, I too must rise and be strong and be brave. Though the sun shines on my face, the night rages on inside my mind as I continue to cry silently. Bearing it alone. For I'm not able to receive love or to be loved. I don't know why Venus has doomed me on my journey. Forcing me to take my path alone. At this moment in the night, I would give anything to feel arms around me or hands caressing my face and here the words, "It'll be okay." Instead I reassuringly tell myself these words only for them to fall flatly into the air. Echoing. A reminder that no one's there.

19/31 SOLC

As Grace watched Little Mermaid, it made me think of my own dreams of moving to NYC. I began to think of my own lyrics. I know it seems silly. But maybe I'm just as wistful as Ariel for my dreams to come true. However, I won't go to the sea witch..I just need to apply to Columbia. :-)

Part Of Your World

adapted from
The Little Mermaid


(Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a world that has such wonderful things could be bad.)

Look at this place,
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think it'd make me complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who should live here
Look at the lights
History untold
How many wonders can one city hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she should live here
I've got dreams and desires a-plenty
I've got fears and what ifs galore
You want reasons?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where my people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - subways

18/31

Well, I guess Spring Break is a blessing because I have a sick kiddo with a double ear infection and sinus infection. So we've spent the day watching movies and playing the Wii. Little sicky Emma didn't want to take silly pics so Grace and I did. But today was still a good day.

17/31 SOLC

Ugh, I had the post written out and deleted the wrong one.  Sigh! 

Today is a blah day.  Yesterday's memories of sunlight beating down on my cheeks.  The smell of cut grass and the sound of children at play outside are just memories because today is cold and misty.

Spring is routinely a time of renewal for me.  I think the reason this spring is so hard is because I had plans to implement my dream this summer.  But I allowed things to get in the way.

Fear of losing my kids.

Fear of leaving loved ones behind.

Fear of failure.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear can't be a part of my life. I have to make the decision to move myself forward professionally, emotionally, and spiritually.  It is my choice. My chance.

It's time to jump and go beyond dreaming to actually "doing" the change.

16/31

84 degrees. Beautiful blue sky and some wind, but not too bad.

"Mommy, let's go take Izzy for a walk," announced Grace.

So we leashed the dog and traipsed out the door.

Grace leads our entourage around the block toward the park. We discover that no one is taking advantage of this day for park playing. Mainly, for mowing purposes.

The girls swing and slide and scream. Izzy lays down to cool off. I watch and listen. A perfect spring day.

15/31

Spring break started tonight. The girls and I were relaxing at home. Little Grace crawled on me and said to take her picture.

So I did. When I looked at it on my phone, I thought to myself this is the only love I need. The love of my children.

14/31

Colors on the pages,
Box of 8
24,
Nope it better be the 64.

Listening to my baby chitter-chatter,
Time spent wisely,
I pray it never ends.

13/31 SOLC

Tulips

The green stalk
peering above the ground
as if it's
playing peek-a-boo.

My soul yearns for the coldness to end.
The stalks leave me waiting
for the sun to warm my pale cheeks.

The flower stalk
G
    R
       O
           W
               S            and
                                                G
                                                    R
                                                        O
                                                            W
                                                                 S.

Revealing a bloom that's as red as blood.
the tender shoot turns
it's happy face to the sun.
Spring has arrived.
                                                   

12/31

There are people in our lives who surround us through the good and bad times.  What I love most about the people I've chosen in mine is that they accept me for who am I.  The good, the bad, and the crazy.

They do things like send sweet texts that let me know that I am loved.  Send pictures that make me laugh.  And go window shopping.

My best friend and I have been through so much since we met at 18.  Seventeen years later we can meet up for fajitas and shop and talk.  All my worries, doubts, and wonderings spill out.  After I have done that we window shop.

What I love most about my friends in my life is they don't make me fit a mold. They let me be me. Friendship love is special.  They chose me.

PS...a little shoe shopping always helps too!!  My new pumps!

11/31

Tonight I learned that my kids can break my heart into millions of pieces. Except I don't know the first step to putting it to back together because my girls are the reason I breathe.

My girls are the reason I divorced their dad. I didn't want them to think that an unhappy family was normal. I didn't want them to think it was okay to stay where a woman was not loved.

Now, I face the fact that my sacrifices. My love isn't enough. I can't compete with a step-mommy and daddy who make a complete family.

It's just me. I'm it. I just wish I was enough. But, reality is kids want a family. A mommy. A daddy. Both. I can't give them that.

10/31

Friendship. It's so important. I have a great core group of friends that I can cry with and laugh with and just be myself with. It took me 18-20 years to find these people.

Emma is so lucky. She has found friends that cherish her for her. I know these are friendships for life.

9/31

Saturdays are lovely. You can make them full of vigor or make them as lazy as you want.

There is something wonderful about stopping and letting your mind unwind.

Refresh for the next week.

Wonderful.

8/31 SOLC

Today during parent/teacher conferences I found myself thinking how lucky am I to be able to come to work each day and think wow working is not a job for me. I love my students, their parents, and my school. I'm so glad that I am a teacher and get to teach the 21 best 2nd graders out there!!!

7/31 SOLC

I've never in all my years of slicing had such a hard time writing each day. It has always been something I've looked forward to doing. I think I'm over thinking things.

Or maybe it's my heart that's tired. It feels as of it has no words to say. Or maybe the words it wants to say shouldn't be said.


It's like it fears the open blank page. I'm worried that all  I'm feeling and thinking will come pouring out. 

Words, thoughts, feelings on the page for everyone to see.  I've never been one to truly censor myself, but that's what I find myself doing.

I need to let go....just let it go.

6/31 SOLC

Eliminating words from our vocabulary.
Being mindful of our words that pass our lips.
Realizing every person has someone in our life that deserves the respect of the world but doesn't.
Change starts with you.
Change starts with me.
Be brave.
Use kind words.
Be bold.
Speak for those who have a small voice.
Be active.
Be the change.

National eliminate the r-word day.

5/31 SOLC

There is nothing more comforting than a hug from a child. I love my job, but I'm sometimes a little tired. Today I got to cuddle and snuggle with my girls. I feel like I'm stealing these moments because soon they won't want them. We blink and they are all grown up.

4/31 SOLC Shine Bright, My Love

My youngest daughter, Grace, takes dance lessons. We were listening to Diamonds by Rhianna and every time the chorus came on Grace would drop to the floor, gently bring her body up raising her arms to the sky at the phrase "shine bright".

Watching her interpret this song makes me wish that she will always shine as brightly as she did in that moment. She is such a warm, sensitive loving girl. I want to protect her heart for as long as I can.

Grace has been experiencing some not so great moments at school with people saying "loser" and "flippy" (no clue what that means).  Teaching a six year old not yell, "You are a sad person with a sad heart...my mommy told me so" is really what we are working on.  Note:  It really was a great example of why people bully, it just backfired. :-) 

My prayer, my heart yearns for the time when no child is destroyed by bullying, mistreatment, or neglect. I can only hope my diamond is truly strong enough not to scratch.

3/31 SOLC

Sometimes my children get up in the middle of the night. Last night,Emma woke up insisting to sleep on the couch at 3AM. I wish I could say I made her go back to room. I just looked at her, smiled, kissed her head and went back to bed. Epic. Mother. Fail. But sometimes a mommy wants to sleep too. By the way, when is it nap time?

You too can participate in the slice of life challenge at twowritingteachers.wordpress.com

2/31 SOLC

March is a month that I absolutely love.  March has wonderful things in it like Spring Break, the beginning of Daylight Savings Time, Spring Break, warm weather, Spring Break, blooming flowers, Spring Break! I think you get the general idea.  But, for me March is about renewal. When I see the flowers spring forth from the earth, I think about the future and what will happen.  I am ready for spring even though February just ended. 

SOLC 1/31 Love is a Verb

We all have fears of acceptance for our children.  Since Emma has Mosaic Down syndrome, I  a have this fear that people will see her extra genes before they actually see Emma.

Yesterday we went to a birthday party and I had a great chance to meet some of Emma's "typical" friends.  My heart was over joyed at the respect, kindness and love that I witnessed.

As we were leaving, Emma began to cry.  Her friend reassured her that she would see her the next day at school. She ended with giving Emma a hug and saying, "I love you."  There is no doubt in my mind that is true.  The kindness was etched on her face.

When I taught in public school, I had a program that allowed typical students to work with students with special needs.  A few weeks ago, I saw one of those typical students at a Special Olympic event. She was still volunteering to help. Wow! I can only hope that this continues for Emma's friends.